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« Civil Liberties Win...Barely The RantsSkeptics' Circle #38 »

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!
2006.07.04 (Tue) 00:49

You'll note that, in the title above, we've capitalized our happy sentiment to our readers. Why? Because we at the Two Percent Company feel that it is imperative that we highlight a growing problem in this country — the attack on Independence Day. For years this insidious movement has been chipping away at the holiday celebrating the United States' independence by popularizing it as "the Fourth of July." Doing so trivilizes the entire basis of the holiday, namely American Independence, and replaces reverence with fireworks and barbeques.

Little by little, the "Fourth of July" name has overtaken the authentic name of the holiday while American patriots have sat helplessly by, wondering what can be done to stop the inexorable march of anti-patriotism. And all the while, so-called "progressive" minds have claimed that there is no attack on Independence Day — "But it really is the fourth of July," they say, pointing to their fancy calendars and their PDAs, and their digital watches with date displays.

Well, we're fed up. Because unlike Christianity, Independence is something that our Founding Fathers actually meant to be an integral part of our country, and we will no longer sit idly by while un-American partygoers, fireworks shysters, and hamburger eaters usurp our holiday. And please don't point out that, just last year, we wished everyone a "Happy Fourth of July" — that's completely beside the point.

What's that you say? You think we're making this all up! Ha! To prove our point, we searched all over the Internet for a full three minutes for golf stores with sales for the upcoming holiday, and what did we find? Not one single golf store advertising an "Independence Day Sale." But we found plenty of "politically correct" and patently offensive ads. Clockwise, from top left, we have below ads from The Golf Warehouse, Van's Golf Shops, and Austad's:

Huge 4th of July Storewide Sale

No mention of Independence in any of those ads. And for Van's Golf, calling it a "Fourth of July Sale" apparently wasn't disrespectful enough — to them it's a "Fourth of July Balloon Sale!" Could they trivialize this important holiday any more? They might as well have a Fourth of July Hammer and Sickle Sale! And as far as Austad's is concerned, we should forget two hundred plus years of tradition entirely — it's just a "Sizzle Sale" to them. Unacceptable.

It gets worse, though. West Coast Golf goes even further in their pathetic attempt to cater to today's trendy anti-American activist:

Summer Special

To them, it's just a "Summer Special." But perhaps the worst offender of all was clickgolf.co.uk:

10% off everything whilst England remain in the World Cup

They've ignored the holiday completely, and made up some weird and inexplicable reason to have a sale in their politically correct attempt to be un-American! It's almost as if they don't care about our American Independence at all. It's just plain sick, and we're not afraid to say so.

So, from now on, if we want golf equipment online, we'll go to musicalinstruments.com. No, they don't sell golf gear, but they do proudly display a banner promoting their "Independence Day Sale," and that's good enough for us.

Independence Day Sale

To all our readers, we send out a hearty HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY. And if someone walks up to you and wishes you a "Happy Fourth of July," do what we'd do: take it as the insult it's intended to be, and kneecap them with a pitching ukelele.


— • —
[  Filed under: % Bullshit  % Media & Censorship  % Religion  ]

Comments (5)

Michael Bains, 2006.07.04 (Tue) 05:59 [Link] »

And a hearty Happy Independence Day to y'all as well!

Shouldn't showing support for soccer, much less English soccer!, be considered a Hanging Offense?

Regardless, while my pitching ukelele is a little smashed up right, I'll gladlly whack 'em with my Bass Driver. Right over the head!



Glintir, 2006.07.05 (Wed) 10:12 [Link] »

Ahem. I'm going to have to point out that I think there is a line on this rant, and you overshot it.

I admit I hadn't noticed the 4th of July trend in advertising. I happen to agree with you that it should be Independence Day.

However, one could make the argument that if an ad doesn't make mention of Independence day, or 4th of July that we should leave them alone. From a purely business standpoint, any holiday is a good day to have a sale. People have free time, and all the competitors are doing it. It just makes sense. And who says you have to blame it on a holiday. I can have a sale whenever I want for whatever reason I want.

Now with the Austad's add, I don't think my argument holds water. The giant flag is a bit of a tipoff. The West Coast Golf ad, however, doesn't dismiss the holiday, it simply doesn't reference it. Maybe they didn't want to have a Independence Day sale. Maybe they just wanted to have a sale.

And as for the clickgolf ad... now, you're just pulling my leg. Assuming you weren't the whole way.



The Two Percent Company, 2006.07.05 (Wed) 11:17 [Link] »

Don't worry, Glintir, we were pulling your leg the whole way. In our own roundabout way, we were just trying to show how silly the whole bogus "War on Christmas" thing is by employing equally silly arguments to pretend that there's a "War on Independence Day." So, we hope that we not only crossed the line, but in fact that we gleefully urinated all over it from the other side.

Should the holiday be referred to as Independence Day? Maybe. After all, "Fourth of July" is a direct reference to the (supposed) date of independence, so even that name carries the correct historical connotation (if that's your thing). But, then again, if someone wanted to call it "Fireworks Day," that would be just fine by us. And of course, just because a sale is happening on or around July 4th, there is no reason that it has to be for this holiday. Any reason (or no reason at all) is a good reason to have a sale, especially if it's a sale on something we want to buy!



Glintir, 2006.07.06 (Thu) 13:09 [Link] »

Pfew.

I thought you all were losing it. The sarcasm and humor wasn't thick enough for me to be sure.

I still like Independence Day better than 4th of July. I prefer the clarity of the title.

On a vaguely related note, have you noticed how wonderful July is for revolution? US Independence day, French Bastille Day, and if you go to Wikipedia, the list of early July celebrations of one country or another is as long as your arm. Apparently, July is a really good time for killing your oppressors.. or celebrating the killings.. or just making a country.. or something.

I'm gonna go now.



Jason Spicer, 2006.07.11 (Tue) 19:03 [Link] »

It's hot in July in the Northern Hemisphere. Makes people want to overthrow something. It was much worse back when everybody was wearing those ridiculous powdered wigs, of course.

My theory was that declaring the Fourth of July a holiday is a good start. Now we just need another 355 more holidays or so to round out the year...

-Jason-




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