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« Legislators Lagging Behind Media - By About Fifty Years The RantsCatching Up on Frist's Stem Cell Announcement »

Golfing with God
2005.07.27 (Wed) 22:33

This falls into the "religious people say the darndest things" category, so we thought we'd share. We've been known to play a round of golf from time to time — we aren't all that good, and we certainly don't take it very seriously. However, we're always on the lookout for useful golf tips. While searching recently for a deal on drivers, we stumbled across a site called golfswingdoctors.com. Here, in brief, and with original errors intact, is what they have to say in their section entitled "Better Golf through Scripture":

Can the Scriptures show the way to better golf and a better golf swing? Why of course they can! After all the scripture are a gift to show us how to live our life in a way that pleases God and some of the worldly temptations that plague our life also plague our golf swing. Let's explore those areas.

Can we get an Amen, brothers and sisters? Nah, we didn't think so.

Since these issues speak toward ruling over your emotions, they are probably the hardest things to master in your life. The good thing is that God has given all of us a spirit of power, love, discipline and self-control (2:Timothy 1-7). Therefore don't allow yourself to be ruled by your emotions and feelings. Don't give into anger, impatience, pity and other emotions and feelings. You won't be able to avoid these temptations but you don't have to give into them. Follow Luke 22:40 and pray that you will not fall into temptation.

Well, for the most part, we'd say that sounds very Jedi of them. As a note, we probably wouldn't enjoy playing golf with a Jedi, either (at least not with the shitty dialogue Lucas gave them in the prequel trilogy). But then the golfswingdoctors slipped in that bit about not giving in to pity. Pity? We thought that was a good emotion, since it can lead to compassion. We have much to learn about the bible, it seems.

Learn to give people the benefit of the doubt and don't be afraid to seek God's help and pray to overcome the emotions welling up in you before you give into them. God will give you superhuman power to overcome the temptation of following your emotions as stated in 2 Timothy 1-7.

Yes, but will he give us superhuman power off the tee? We're talking about golf here, people. Focus!

How can we apply this advice to the golf swing? In order to play good golf we must swing the club on plane and in balance. What causes us to get off plane and out of balance? Trying to swing the club to hard? Trying to hit a miracle shot? Lack of focus? Emotion is the root cause of all these actions. Ask God to help you overcome these emotions. If you're getting ready to hit the ball and can't focus or get the bad ideas out of your head — back off the ball and say a quick prayer to overcome the temptation of hitting a bad shot.

The temptation of hitting a bad shot? Wait — so we're actually tempted to hit a bad shot, and we give in to that temptation? Screw all that technical mumbo-jumbo our golf pros hand us — grip, club face, swing plane, posture, blah blah blah — apparently, we're hitting bad shots deliberately, because we just can't resist the sheer giddy joy of watching the ball slice 90 degrees into the impenetrably dense forest to the right of an easy 180-yard par 3. Luckily, prayer can help us overcome this awesome temptation to screw up.

Maintain discipline in your game and you golf swing. Don't try to swing as hard a you can when all you need is about 85% for maximum distance and control. Be disciplined — don't swing for the fences — and you'll find more fairways and less trees.

Okay, that's fair enough. We can agree with that.

Gauge how you are playing that day. If your golf swing isn't right on — don't try the risky shot. Be disciplined and punch out of the trees through the biggest opening even if it means going backwards. Be disciplined and don't risk the 210 yard carry over water — lay up and use our short game advice instead. Be disciplined and don't take on the pin tucked behind the deep bunker — aim for the middle of the green instead. Be disciplined and don't take on the out-of-bounds to cut the corner — lay up with a 3-wood instead. Being disciplined in life pleases God and being disciplined in golf saves strokes and lowers your score. Follow wisdom — not your emotions and don't be afraid to ask God for help. Little prayers pay big dividends!

So, basically...play golf like a wuss? They have just described the most boring round of golf that we can imagine. No emotion, lots of prayer, and zero risk. What fun is that?

Here's our advice, if you happen to play golf. Go out and have fun. Embrace your emotions, whatever they may be. If you're having problems with your swing, don't try to fix it by reading a book, and that includes Golf for Dummies just as much as it includes the bible. Try getting a lesson from an actual flesh-and-blood golf pro instead. It works much better.

If praying helps you keep your eye on that little white ball, then by all means go for it; just don't take too long, or that twosome behind you will be tempted to show their emotions (quite tangibly) after waiting for you to finish reciting your rosary. Just know that from our perspective, chugging a lukewarm Bud Light from the beverage cart is just as effective, more time efficient, and more likely to keep you smiling.

And by all means, take the risky shots. It's a game, and if all you do is play it "safe" you might as well have not bothered to come out in the first place. Hey, if you don't carry that water hazard, or if you land in that bunker, or if you ricochet off that tree, just remember: that's what mulligans are for. We won't count yours if you don't count ours. We doubt you'll get that kind of deal from god.

Golfing with God

— • —
[  Filed under: % Religion  % Two Percent Toons  ]

Comments (4)

Rockstar, 2005.07.29 (Fri) 14:55 [Link] »

Jesus Muhammad Abraham Vishnu L. Ron Hubbard Christ that is silly!



Grendel, 2005.07.29 (Fri) 21:53 [Link] »

It makes sense within context -it's holey.



Grendel, 2005.07.29 (Fri) 22:49 [Link] »

I apologize for that sub-par pun.



Tom from the Two Percent Company, 2005.08.02 (Tue) 18:52 [Link] »

Ouch.




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