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« Dairy Vending Machines in the Muslim Workplace The RantsNote to Talking Heads »

We've Got Mail!
2007.08.31 (Fri) 21:24

We received the following e-mail from Octavo this morning:

I'm pretty certain that you receive your fair share of hate mail and it just seems unfair of you to keep such material to yourselves. I'm certain that the invective and bigotry no doubt on display in these mails would make for good reading to those of us who take a perverse pleasure in reading the ravings and hypocrisy of complete loons.

So, I petition you to consider publishing some of the choice emails you've received - possibly work them into a rant about tolerance and love and practicing what you preach and all that. Alternatively, make the Urinal publicly accessible? I'd love to read more of Jaaykke's rubbish.

First off, we'd be remiss if we didn't point out that the "Scribbled Above the Urinal" post is, in fact, accessible (via the link we just provided, as a matter of fact). So if it's stupid comments you're craving, look no further.

That said — yes, Octavo, we really do receive our fair share of e-mails from dipshits! While we've shared some of them over the years, most of them sit quietly on our e-mail clients, gathering dust. Unfair, indeed.

So, without further ado, we present a sampling of the e-mails we've received, and our replies to them — many of them specifically on the subject of Allison DuBois. Think of this as a "Dear Abby" for credulous asshats. Note that the e-mails received are unedited — all errors are original. Our replies are also presented as we sent them, other than minor formatting due to the move from text-based e-mail to HTML.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:

So yous know for a fact that Allison Dubois is a fraud?? What about all the other well known psychics worldwide that no one seems to rubbish?? Please, you dont KNOW NOTHING. Would you call yourself a sceptic??

S C Duncan

Dear Typographically Challenged British Dipshit:

Yes, we know for a fact that Allison DuBois is a fake. Anyone with a brain who does the research will reach the same conclusion. The fact that you have not reached the same conclusion leads us to believe that either you have no brain, or you haven't done any of the research. We're guessing both. And if you were to actually point out a psychic that you believe no one rubbishes, we're pretty sure that, given some time, we could show you that people do in fact rubbish them, and that they are also fakes (assuming that they aren't so obscure that we can't research them). Please feel free to provide this information in our online forum (not via e-mail, please). If you have no specifics, then please go somewhere else. Those paranormal discussion boards just love vague, unsubstantiated nonsense, don't they?

We don't know nothing? Oh, sorry — we don't KNOW NOTHING? You are correct, we KNOW SOMETHING. Actually, many somethings. For example, we know that you're a credulous moron who's being taken in by silly carnival acts and poorly constructed fantasies. And we know that we don't feel like wasting any more time with you. If you feel like wasting more of our time, though, you may feel free to comment on one of our posts and, er, "set us straight." Sadly we will be compelled to ignore any further e-mails from you as we've already reached our dipshit quota for the week.

The Two Percent Company.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:

Name: Chris
Yes, you may use my full name and e-mail.

Why are you so unbelievable negative about everything?

Dear Asshat Whose E-mail Address We're Sorely Tempted To Publish:

Why are so many people — you know, like you — such unbelievable morons? If you can answer that question, maybe you'll understand why we seem so negative to you.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:

Name: gentry
No, you may not use my full name and e-mail.

I have never seen such a waste of time as your website. All devoted to being negative. Have you ever considered doing something positive with all of your energy? For example, doing something to actually make the world a better place? I was really depressed looking at your website and being reminded that people like you exist, people that are only interested in critisizing other people and focusing on the negative part of life. You critisize Allison Dubois for being a hypocrite and trying to make money....but I see you have an "our stores" section....I think that makes you a hypocrite too.
Enjoy the rest of your negative, bitchy lives!
I myself am going to focus on the positive.
Good by and good riddance!

Dear Clueless But Positive:

No, moron, you just aren't getting it. We aren't criticizing Allison because she wants to make money, we are criticizing her because she wants to leverage the pain and suffering of others to make money. Our stores, on the other hand, don't have a "leverage pain" option. See? The difference is so simple that even an asshat like you must be able to grasp it.

From where we stand — you know, in the camp that's more concerned with critical thinking rather than blind belief in bullshit — Allison and the people who defend her are the negative ones, gentry. We're just trying to undo some of the harm that people like her have done. Therefore, if you erroneously think we're the negative ones in the debate between reason and nonsense, then it's clear which side of the debate you fall on. So if you're depressed looking at our site, it sounds like we're doing our job well, since we aren't aiming to make fucksticks like you feel warm and cozy. Now take your asinine beliefs (whatever they may be) and piss off. Morons aren't welcome here.


— • —

Good old gentry followed up with the reply below:

Dear Two Percent Company:

But how does your website, which seems so incredibly negative, bitchy and rude...help the situation?

Dear Still Clueless But Positive:

First of all, we've found that our site only seems negative to those people whose beliefs we are calling into question. To people who prefer critical thinking to blind faith, our site reads as positive. What an interesting phenomenon. See what we're getting at? To us, the people who peddle bullshit are the ones who are classified as negative.

As far as being bitchy and rude, well we are in fact pretty rude to people who make stupid statements on our site. Why wouldn't we be? If someone disagrees with us and has an intelligent argument to back up their point of view, then they are treated with respect. If, however, the opposing point of view lacks all logic and reason, and if the person presenting that view is arrogantly slapping their uninformed opinion on the table in a misguided attempt to "put us in our place," then we react accordingly. We make no apologies for that.

What does our website do to help the situation? We provide information on topics such as the paranormal, religion, and politics (just to name a few) to counter the massive amounts of misinformation that the purveyors of bullshit dish out on a daily basis. Surely you recognize the importance of information. Even if you don't, though, some of our readers do. Take, for example, Mike, who searched for information on Allison DuBois to see if her claims were true, came to our site, read the information we presented, and made an informed decision that Allison is full of shit. He wrote:

"I found your site while searching Google on the subject of Allison DuBois (I'm a fan of the NBC show Medium). I was hoping to find some true examples of her psychic abilities, so your Rant was obviously disappointing. However, I appreciate your setting me straight (I'm a long time fan of Snopes.com)."

That's what we're trying to do — give people access to the information so that they can make an informed decision.

Of course, if you aren't one of the people who are interested in obtaining fact-based information on any of the topics that we write about, then you are correct in your assessment that we aren't a very useful site for you.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:

Name: LizzieRobertson
Yes, you may use my name.

I came across your site when searching for more material on my friend, Allison Dubois.
I get the idea behind your site which you have every right to have.
But why must you go on and on about someone you really don't know or have never met.
If you have a problem with her, so what - move on.
No oneis slamming you and and if you don't believe in her, which you obviously don't, then don't talk about it.
You are only doing it so people will find your site and then you are able to spread your message to more people.
I get that you are bothered by what our world and country is coming to these days, but it is going to take a lot more than this little site to change it.
Get over yourselves and make a difference by actually doing something instead of bitching about it.

Dear Missing The Point Entirely:


So we should only express negative opinions about people who cause us personal harm, and not about people who cause widespread harm by cashing in on the grief and suffering of others? We find that point of view to be incredibly self-centered. So sorry, Lizzie, but we call a spade a spade, and Allison DuBois is human garbage. If you feel that we shouldn't talk about it, that's your opinion (and one that we heartily disagree with). If you don't like reading these remarks and, we should add, plain and simple facts about your "friend," then please feel free to go elsewhere.

You see, Lizzie, we feel that it's our obligation — both as rational skeptics, and as compassionate human beings — to help educate as many people as possible concerning the truth behind people like Allison. So many outlets are offering fiction as fact — television, movies, even the mainstream media — that people like us are, indeed, needed to set the record straight. You see, "bitching about it," as you call it (or "investigating and reporting the truth," as we prefer), is what we're doing, and it's an important job. And while you're dead wrong that we expected any special attention for doing our pieces on Allison DuBois, we are certainly "doing it" — writing about sanity, skepticism and rationalism — so that we can spread our message to more people. That's exactly the point. We have received a number of e-mails from readers expressing their thanks for our exposing the truth about Allison, and debunking plenty of other purveyors of bullshit, and that, to us, makes dealing with the hordes of credulous simpletons who defend Allison well worth it.

Just because it will take a lot more than this one little website to halt and (hopefully) reverse the tide of incredible stupidity sweeping our country and our world doesn't even remotely mean that we shouldn't contribute as much as we can towards achieving that goal. And, in case you hadn't noticed our blogroll, there are a lot more skeptical folks out there than just the Two Percent Company — quite a lot more, getting a lot more vocal. Time will tell how much longer Allison has to play her little game of "pretend" and make obscene amounts of money on it.

We honestly have no idea how any intelligent person can possibly believe the flimsy "evidence" that people like Allison offer as "proof" of their alleged abilities, but if you are content to delude yourself, feel free to continue doing so. There are people who can be helped, and people who can't. We waste more than enough time on the latter already; we'd rather not be bothered with one more.

Quite sincerely,
The Two Percent Company.

As a special note, Lizzie's e-mail was a drive-by bitching since the e-mail address she used was fake. As a result, our reply has never been seen by anyone until now. (It's kind of like the deer in Stand By Me.) We marvel at people like Lizzie whose convictions are so strong that they rail against people like us...and valiantly lack the spine to allow us to respond. Sad.

— • —

Speaking of drive-by comments, here's another.

Dear Two Percent Company:

Name: you have no idea

Believe the impossible, and think the unimagineable,.
You can live inside the box or outside the box. hopefully in your lifetime your questions will be answered.

Dear Content-Free Confucius:

Tame wild horses, and dance like nobody's watching.

Shift some paradigms with non-linear thinking. Perhaps within the next eighteen months, your gout will be cured.

Wow, we can do the fortune cookie game, too!

Love and kisses,
The Two Percent Company.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:


Read this article. Skepticism is completely normal. We only fear what we do not understand. Harvard trained Dr. Gary Schwartz does back Allison DuBois.

Dear Please Tell Us You Didn't Seriously Invoke Gary Schwartz As Proof:

Wow. We certainly hope that you are presenting this comment as a tongue-in-cheek example of how completely idiotic psychic believers can be. If so, then you have our admiration — you've perfectly mimicked the brazen idiocy and misplaced arrogance of a true believer.

If, on the other hand, you really did mean your message to be taken literally, then your statements make it clear that you are a credulous moron who doesn't bother to read even the most relevant bits of a website before snapping off idiotic comments. Next time, before you make an asinine statement like this, please do at least a minimal amount of research. If you had even bothered to read our posts on Allison, you would know that we have already covered Dr. Schwartz's "experiments" and "proof" of paranormal bullshit like Allison's "powers," and in fact linked to the very same article to which you oh-so-cleverly directed us. Dr. Schwartz's research is at best highly dubious, and, more directly, a complete fucking joke. We wrote an entire Rant about this — Part II of our original DuBois series should fill in the gaps in your exceedingly empty skull.

In the future, remember: it's better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The only thing that exceeds your ignorance is your ignorance coupled with your arrogant and patronizing attitude. If you're going to patronizingly present "proof" of Allison DuBois' powers to the Two Percent Company, you must be a brainless fucking idiot, plain and simple.

Again, if this was meant to be a joke, nicely done. Boy do we hope you were joking, and that you're not really as stupid as your comment makes you seem.

Quite sincerely,
The Two Percent Company.

— • —

Dear Two Percent Company:

Dear Allison I see dreams which take years to come true,what can I do?

Dear So Seriously Lacking In Reading Comprehension To The Point Where We're Genuinely Concerned That Perhaps You're Trapped In Some Kind of Oubliette With Serendipitous Internet Access And Need Help So Urgently That You Didn't Stop To Check Which Site "About" Allison DuBois You Were Contacting:

You do realize that we aren't Allison DuBois, don't you?

— • —

So there you have it — a random sampling of some of the nail-biting, gut-wrenching, edge-of-your-seat-sitting e-mails that we've received. We hope you've enjoyed reading them as much as we did. Better yet, we hope you've avoided scratching out your own eyes in an attempt to get away from the stupid, stupid words.

Thanks, Octavo, for making this request. Much like those retrospective episodes of sitcoms, it was easy to produce, and still entertaining. (Sitcom creators, take note: this doesn't mean anybody wants another clip show episode.)

And our thanks to all the little people...with the little brains...for continually providing us with material to Rant about. Without your bad grammar, your horrendous typing, your idiotic beliefs, your asinine assertions, and your terrible dearth of rational thinking, where would we be?

Ah, fuck, we'd probably be on a beach somewhere. Assholes.

— • —

One more thing: for those of you who've noticed that our absence has stretched on a bit longer than we'd anticipated, we offer our sincerest apologies. You can blame a cranky seven-month-old, health insurance bureacracy, and an incredibly cool new job for the delay (we do). Since our mailbag hasn't dried up, we now have several e-mail exchanges that we are looking to turn into Rants, so with any luck, we might have some posts up soon. Thanks for your patience!

Allison DuBois: Debunked! (2%Co)

— • —
[  Filed under: % Allison DuBois Week  % Bullshit  % Two Percent Company  ]

TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.twopercentco.com/rants/tpc-trkbk.cgi/444

Comments (8)

Bronze Dog, 2007.08.31 (Fri) 23:18 [Link] »

It's stuff like this that convinces me that woo isn't just a logical or educational failing: It's often a moral failing as well.

Jason Spicer, 2007.09.01 (Sat) 02:14 [Link] »

Is there a word that means "arrogant ignorance/ignorant arrogance"? I mean, besides "psychic", "fundamentalist", or "George W. Bush"? A generic term? There should be. I've seen arrogance backed by actual talent, and while it's annoying, it's not nearly as frustrating as arrogance built on a solid foundation of abject know-nothingness. But for some reason, there's no handy word for that kind of bracing stupidity. Agnorance? Argnorance? Faith?

Thanks for the tour of the mailbag.

TimmyAnn, 2007.09.02 (Sun) 02:40 [Link] »

How about arrognorance?

Orshav, 2007.09.02 (Sun) 13:18 [Link] »


Infophile, 2007.09.05 (Wed) 13:44 [Link] »
Is there a word that means "arrogant ignorance/ignorant arrogance"? I mean, besides "psychic", "fundamentalist", or "George W. Bush"? A generic term? There should be. I've seen arrogance backed by actual talent, and while it's annoying, it's not nearly as frustrating as arrogance built on a solid foundation of abject know-nothingness. But for some reason, there's no handy word for that kind of bracing stupidity. Agnorance? Argnorance? Faith?

Requests for neologisms are like the bat signal to me, so I just had to contraneoantidisestablishmentarianistically come and help out here. Here's the best of what I've come up with:

-Irrogance (only one letter from ignorance, but it doesn't sound awkward)
-Ignorism (ignorance + egotism, and it also sounds like the philosophy of ignoring things, for double effect)

Aside from those two, it might be worthwhile to think of names of people who exemplify this and turn those into neologisms. For instance, Dubois gives us Duboince, which sounds haughty enough on its own to work.

If you want a single existing word, then there are a couple that come close. As Orshav pointed out, there's fatuous, which means "showing lack of intelligence coupled with a lack of awareness." It doesn't quite get across that they're arrogant, though. The other option I have, which leans too far to the other side, is conceit, which means "a high opinion of your own qualities or abilities, especially one that is not justified." If we go and combine those two, then the best I can come up with is "Fatceit."

Maybe we should have a vote or something on the best of these neologisms to describe it?

BethanytheMartian, 2007.10.28 (Sun) 03:14 [Link] »

I know I'm not the only one to notice this: every person who is the first to accuse you of being arrogant is. Every person who is the first to accuse you of being close-minded, is.

This is the same thing we witness with the rabid-homophobics. The more rabid they are, the more likely it is that they are what they hate.

Verdigris, 2009.07.07 (Tue) 04:29 [Link] »

I just found this site tonight and have spent waaay too much time reading it, incredibly entertaining as it is.

"Fatuous" was probably the best possible reply, but I was reminded of a word from some competition years ago:

ignoranus = someone who's both stupid and an asshole

Mike Carter, 2012.08.29 (Wed) 14:16 [Link] »

It sounds like Gary Schwartz is a devout fan and believer in The Disc World (see The Hogfather for more details, thank you Terry Pratchett)!

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