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« We're Still Waiting for the Ass Gnomes The RantsDon't Bogart the Constitution, Dude »

Sir Salman Sparks Seriously Stupid Statements
2007.06.23 (Sat) 16:15

If the Post can pull that alliteration crap in headline after headline, we can throw one up on occasion. And, frankly, a situation this incredibly fucking ridiculous deserves a light and airy headline, rather than one with the appropriate gravitas, because it simply isn't appropriate.

Many of you have no doubt heard that Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses — which put him on the Muslim shit list (or, translated to Arabic, "fatwa") back in the eighties, apparently forever (even though it was formally lifted in the late 90s) — was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II for her Birthday Honours.

This has, of course, driven parts of the Muslim world utterly apeshit.

The second-funniest thing, to us, is that the Muslims single out Rushdie so vehemently — he's the big problem on Libby Two's list. We don't recall any big flap about Sir Ian McKellan — noted homosexual, wizard, mutant, and crippled religious conspiracy theorist — when he was knighted. And just look at some of the people on the Queen's list this time around! There's physicist Nigel Mason of Open University, and Vice-President and Biological secretary of the Royal Society, David John Read; two men whose work flies in the face of Allah's Word o' Glory. How about Oxford astrophysicist Susan Jocelyn Bell Burnell, Monica Anne Winstanley of the Biotechnology and Biological Sciences Research Council, and Eileen McKillop, Senior Scientific Officer of Agri-Food and Biosciences Institute, Northern Ireland Executive (no doubt heavily involved in work with potatoes)? Not only are they evil infidel scientists, but they're women! How dare they receive any accolades at all?! Allah would be righteously furious. And speaking of women (and queens), another name on the list is John Barry Humphries — an individual you might know better as famous crossdresser and scathingly funny comedienne, Dame Edna (don't go by the late night talk show appearances, see her actual shows — brilliant stuff), who will be the first person in history to be called both "Sir" and "Dame." That's okay, but Rushdie's little book is a mortal sin? Even Peter Sallis makes the cut, and he spends most of his time hanging out in a questionable relationship with a mouthless dog. (James Stewart gets a nod, too — but not the one you're thinking of.)

The list goes on and on, but one thing is clear: fatwa aside, Rushdie certainly shouldn't be the most egregious name on the list from a Muslim perspective. More importantly, though, why should Muslim extremists expect Great Britain — a traditionally Christian nation, and more and more secular over the years — to honor their hateful, violent, stupid and laughable death threat? Hey, Muslim fanatics: obsess much? It's been two decades, kids. Pack it in already.

But like we said, the singling out of Rushdie was only the second-funniest aspect of this debacle. Our absolute favorite bit was this choice quote from the Iranian Parliament's First Deputy Speaker, Mohammad Reza Bahonar:

"The British monarch lives under this illusion that Britain is still a 19th Century superpower and that bestowing titles is something still deemed important."

Wait a second...who lives in the past, stubbornly refusing to accept progress? Who is under the illusion that bestowing titles is something still deemed important? 'Cause you fucking Muslim nutbags seem to think it's a pretty big deal, dontcha? You know, just judging by your reaction to Salman Rushdie getting this "unimportant" title bestowed upon him. Mohammad might want to pick his words more carefully next time.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen: we have the front-runner for Most Obtusely Hypocritical Statement of the Twenty-First Century. It'll take quite a bit of talent — and idiocy — to top this one.

Hat tip to the always funny and on-target Jesus and Mo.

[And yes, we know: two Rants in two days. Don't expect miracles, but we're trying to get back to "work" around here. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going fishing. One of us for actual fish. — Ed.]

— • —
[  Filed under: % Government & Politics  % Religion  ]

Comments (7)

Jason Spicer, 2007.06.23 (Sat) 17:33 [Link] »

Nice post, but you misspelled "hit list". And the people who are upset about this are pretty good at holding grudges. Some of them go back centuries.

I never could figure out why gods, prophets, or their nonsensical scripture need so much defending by the faithful. I guess they subconsciously understand that it doesn't hold water. Either that, or the scriptures are easier to comprehend if you beat somebody over the head with them. Literally.

Ben, 2007.06.23 (Sat) 20:04 [Link] »

You're an idiot. "Shit list" was definitely intentional.

TimmyAnn, 2007.06.23 (Sat) 22:00 [Link] »

Um, perhaps you should bear in mind that Jason Spicer is a frequent poster on here and then you'll realize that it is 99.99% likely that he was making a joke.

IYce, 2007.06.24 (Sun) 00:42 [Link] »

The problem with any religion is that only a select few are allowed to interpret the holy books. Anyone else is just plain wrong, regardless of how right they are. The fallibility of the Qur’an was only one aspect of the book. For the most part it tends to delve into commentary about British and South Asian politics and culture as well as philosophical discussion about the nature of good and evil. The two main characters were british/Indian. Why all the hoo-haa? Well I think it's best answered with one of Khomeini's own quotes:-
"A man can have sex with animals such as sheeps, cows, camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village; however, selling the meat to the next door village should be fine"

For more hiliarious rantings - http://www.geocities.com/islampencereleri3/sayings_of_ayatollah_khomeini.htm


Jason Spicer, 2007.06.24 (Sun) 03:42 [Link] »

Thanks, TimmyAnn. Yes, that was a feeble attempt at humor on my part. Which doesn't entirely rule out my being an idiot, if you want to get technical.

TimmyAnn, 2007.06.24 (Sun) 04:43 [Link] »
Which doesn't entirely rule out my being an idiot, if you want to get technical.

But that has been ruled out by your many other posts on this site. In fact, the only reason I left the .01% room for doubt was because even the most intelligent people have the occasional momentary brain malfunction and for all I really knew this could have been one of them.

ed, 2007.06.30 (Sat) 04:22 [Link] »

Actually, the Fatwah was never formally removed...the Iranian government just distanced themselves from it.

There are a lot of reasons to oppose Rushdie getting an honour (he's a hack and a bit of a prick) but the fact that he mentioned Muhammed isn't one of them.

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