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Take THAT, Skeptics!
2006.08.22 (Tue) 16:11
Finally, we have definitive, scientific proof that ghosts exist! Check out this photograph, and see for yourselves:
See, that meter in the photo detects...uh...ghosts. Yeah, we know it looks like a circuit tester built into something you could find for $1.99 at Toys'Я'Us, but really, really, really it detects ghosts. Really! And look — the reading is off the chart! Buried the freakin' needle! And see that little light? The yellow one? Yellow means ghosts, dude! And those lights at the top? The red ones? Red means ghosts, too! And that's not all. If you watch the video of the NBC10 news report that this image is from, you'll see that as soon as the meter is turned on, the needle shoots to the top instantly! So there must be ghosts there, then! Ha! Debunk that, skeptics!
The sad thing is that we're not making this up. That's really what this NBC10 story is about — proof that a 100 year old library in Pennsylvania is haunted. And that meter is the "proof" in question. Well, that meter, some anecdotes about spinning pencil holders, some supposed photos of the ever-popular "orbs," and a crappy video of what may or may not be a book coming off a shelf. And just in case that isn't hard enough evidence for you, check out the details from this article in the Phoenixville News:
[Paranormal investigator Carol] Starr asked anyone present to make themselves known. Noises came from above - a knock, tapping, something Starr said sounded like foot steps and a chair being dragged. In the lobby, the EMF reading fluctuated back and forth between the 2.0 and 4.5.
Holy hell! Weird noises at night in an otherwise quiet 100 year old building? Who'd've thunk it? And look at those EMF readings jumping to 4.5...er...gigawatts? Megahertz? Troy ounces? Oh, sorry, the article doesn't mention the scale being used. Or how readings were taken. Or what electronic equipment was present. Or why any of this has anything to do with ghosts. Maybe the manual for the little electrical meter they're using mentions all of this, as well as what readings can only happen in the presence of ghosts. (Of course, that same manual probably bears the words "Ages 6 and Up" and "Caution: Small Parts — Choking Hazard.") Is there a licensed electrician/ghosthunter out there who can let us know?
Moving on, this next part is pretty amazing:
[Paranormal investigator] Mark Sarro also reported seeing moving shadows in a corner of the Children's Library.
Booyah! Reports of moving shadows at night. While looking for ghosts. Really, what else could this be other than ghosts? Um. Well, a trick of the mind, maybe. Or a car going by outside. Or one of the other investigators moving around or shining a light somewhere. Or a dust bunny, or maybe a mouse. But it was probably almost definitely perhaps a ghost. Or maybe a ghost mouse...? Anyway, you get the idea.
Here's the clincher, though:
There were other reports of unusual activity throughout the night, such as cameras that would go out of focus for no apparent reason and batteries that were prematurely drained of their life.
So that's what's going on with our cell phone batteries — they're haunted! Damn! And here we thought that they just couldn't hold a charge for half a day anymore because they sucked (and the East Coast cells send too many damn "ping" signals). Next time our phones die after we charge them all night, instead of cursing at them, we'll take an EMF reading and see if we can get Elvis on speed-dial.
Still not convinced? How about these photos from the library. Ghosts cause lens flare, right? To be fair to lens flare, though, we've seen pictures of "orbs" before, and, unimpressive and easily explained though they may be, we can't even manage to spot the unimpressive and easily explained orbs here. Seriously — we don't even know what they're calling orbs. What gives?
And what does the NBC10 article say?
Librarians at the [Phoenixville, PA library] facility say the old man has been getting cranky lately. And real-life ghost hunters say they have the proof.
Ah, yes, of course — proof. The Chester County Paranormal Research Society sure shut our mouths. Snap! Next stop for these creduloids: drinking magical sewage and industrial waste from Indian seawater (another story that we're sad to say we aren't making up). Read 'em and weep, fans of reason.
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[ Filed under: % Bullshit % Greatest Hits ]
Comments (5)
Michael Geissler, 2006.08.22 (Tue) 23:31 [Link] »
EoR, 2006.08.23 (Wed) 04:53 [Link] »
Sean, 2006.08.23 (Wed) 07:49 [Link] »
geronimo, 2006.08.23 (Wed) 12:19 [Link] »
The Two Percent Company, 2006.08.25 (Fri) 15:20 [Link] »
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