Does it bother anyone else that George W. Bush has absolutely no clue how to behave in international diplomatic circumstances? Or even, more simply, how to behave as an adult?

Yes, he swore a bit and came off sounding like an idiot when he didn't know his microphone was on the other day. Hey, we're the last folks to have a problem with somebody using naughty language, as you all fucking know by now. (Okay, that was gratuitous.) But it's rare that we're at a high-profile international summit discussing important issues of war and diplomacy. Very rare. And our usual stream of profanity is largely limited to this site — where we make the rules — and our private, non-professional lives, where we're seldom being recorded for posterity, and where we're representing nobody but ourselves.

To be clear: we have no problem with Bush swearing. But there's a time and a place to be a little more careful with one's words, and to be frank, serving two fucking terms as the American President pretty fucking well qualifies.

It doesn't stop there, though. In a closed-door meeting at the G-8, Bush made the exceedingly odd choice to manhandle German Chancellor Angela Merkel, a move which clearly did not score a lot of points with Merkel. This is the kind of thing that would get a pervy English professor into a lot of trouble if he tried it on one of his students. Lindsay nails it in one when she says:

Every woman will recognize the guy who sidles up and starts "casually" giving you a backrub without even looking at you, because he wants to preserve deniability in case you freak out. Like any practiced groper, Bush stares right past Merkel as she recoils from his touch.

Of course, this is just the latest in a five-and-a-half year string of social ineptitude (Crooks and Liars has the Letterman footage of the Top Ten Favorite George W. Bush Moments, including slapping Laura's ass, and hocking a chunky one on the lawn). What the fuck is this idiot thinking?

We think we've figured it out. Just look at the man: beady little eyes, big ears, customary hunched-over posture. The truth of the matter is crystal clear: George W. Bush is a talking monkey. He's barely able to string a few meaningful words together when they've been drilled into his skull by his handlers; similarly, monkeys can perform tricks and communicate in sign language when they've been thoroughly trained by their handlers. Like his fellow monkeys, Bush doesn't really understand the socio-cultural mores of human beings; to him, throwing your feces at the wall is just a grand old time, rather than a serious social faux pas. What appears to be stammering (best case) or full-blown Tourette's syndrome (worst case) is simply the mindless chattering of a talking monkey. Dubya has one advantage over the other monkeys: a working human larynx. But just because he's able to make people noises, that by no stretch of the imagination means he's actually capable of human cognition.

It's quite sad, really. Here we've been constantly lambasting Bush as an asinine idiot, when really he's just been working with the extremely limited sub-human capacity with which he was born. When he inappropriately groped Chancellor Merkel, he was only doing what comes naturally to a talking monkey: grooming her.

Of course, none of this excuses the imbeciles who pushed forward the campaign to get a talking monkey elected as the leader of one of the few international superpowers; nor does it excuse the sheep — mindless or not — who actually voted for the talking monkey.

It's quite ironic that, according to Bush, the "jury's still out" on the subject of evolution. To the anti-evolution zealots who keep demanding "Why are there still monkeys?" — if you're so anxious to maintain a boundary between humans and monkeys, then stop handing them the presidency. Sheesh.

Bill Hicks said it best,

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

Clearly, Bush will be convicted once he leaves office. The only question is when, and for which offenses. I'm hoping for treason, but I'd settle for sexual predator. Actually, that would be more of a taint, wouldn't it? Traitors don't have to tell the sheriff's office where they live when they get out of prison.

Alert reader Richard Miller pointed out the following:

Re The Talking Monkey: Britain's most popular political cartoonist Steve Bell got there several years ago. He has been portraying Bush as a chimp for some time.

See

http://www.guardian.co.uk/cartoons/archive/stevebell/

for some recent examples.

That's a good likeness!

RE: evolution
Scientists Find Brain Evolution Gene
[link]

You know when a spider drops on your head out of nowhere and your friends all point and scream without actually tell you what has happened and you start jumping around, shaking your head, screaming "get it off, get it off!!!"? No? Well, anyway...that's how I felt after watching Bush touch Merkel.

Well said, Helen!