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« Bigotry Always Outs The RantsPsychical Research: Over a Century, and Not One Useful Development »

See, We Told You That God Didn't Exist
2006.06.05 (Mon) 17:22

Okay, we admit it. When we first heard about this story in The Australian via Pool Guy, we figured it had to be fake. You know, a joke perpetuated by the atheist media to give us a chuckle. But, according to News.com.au, the Washington Post, and the BBC, it is, in fact, true. So, without further ado:

A lion killed a man who climbed into its enclosure at the Kiev zoo, police said Monday.

The lion attacked the 45-year-old Ukrainian late Sunday after he used a rope to climb down into an enclosure with four lions, said police spokesman Volodymyr Polishchuk.

Wow, sounds like a tragic story. Shame on us for laughing. But what the heck was this guy doing climbing into a lion enclosure? Did he work there? Was he saving someone who had fallen in? Retrieving a lost Sno-Cone, perhaps? No, the answer is much more fucking idiotic than all that:

Ukrainian TV channel NTN broadcast interviews with witnesses who said the man told them that he believed God would not allow the lions to hurt him.

See, we told you it sounded like a joke. But it gets better. Er, worse. No, scratch that — better.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," a zoo official told Reuters news agency.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

Good thing that lioness wasn't distracted by something else, or this guy might have had time to climb out and proclaim proof of God's existence. As it was, though, the lioness was quick to prove him wrong. Hey, at least he took his shoes off first. No need to waste a perfectly good pair of shoes, right?

Is this proof that God doesn't exist? Well, no, of course not. But we've been thinking about this experiment, and we have a suggestion. Maybe all of the radical religiosos should give this a whirl. You know, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Ray Comfort, Kent Hovind — all of the Bible-humping (not a typo) Christians. And also the militant Islamic radicals. And hey, maybe that dumbass Rabbi Berg from the Kabbalah Center, and Rabbi Avi Shafran, who must surely believe that lions are immoral since they don't believe in God. Then, if less than, say, 25% of them are killed, we'll take a closer look at the whole God thing. Deal?

Oh, and while we're at it, let's get the psychics and the homeopaths in on the action as well.

— • —
[  Filed under: % Bullshit  % Religion  ]

Comments (6)

BigHeathenMike, 2006.06.05 (Mon) 21:17 [Link] »

Wow - how much do I agree with that idea? Get all the whack-jobs to jump into a lion cage...we could call it a "Faith Based Initiative"!

jay denari, 2006.06.06 (Tue) 15:01 [Link] »

Want to bet this guy gets a Darwin Award?

Fan-man, 2006.06.10 (Sat) 22:57 [Link] »

Today my wife had a conference for work, so that left me Mr. Mom for the day. I've got a 4 year old son and a 4 month old now (the reason I don't get to read the site as much as I'd like to anymore). I decided to take them to the Cincinnati Zoo. My wife thought that was a bit much, but I was all set to show her I could handle it. I had the double stroller, the pre-mixed bottles, fruit snacks, juice boxes, burp rags etc. etc. I was on it. We were there for about an hour when my 4 year old says he wants to see the zebras. At the Cincinnati Zoo, the zebra habitat is roughly 10-15 ft. below spectator level and is surrounded by a natural rock looking fence about 4 ft. high. The zebras were all gathered in a bunch on the opposite side of the habitat and not moving very much. In fact, they could have passed as zebra statues. My oldest couldn't see, so I picked him up and sat him on the rock with his feet slightly hanging over, but my arms fully bear hugging around his little body. It's not as dangerous as it sounds----the top of the rock wall is about 4 ft. wide and people routinely sit on the rock walls while posing for pictures. Anyway, when he was done looking, I went to pull him down off the wall. He must have been dragging his feet, because his right shoe caught the edge of the wall, slipped off and plummeted down in to the zebras' living area. I'm not a religious person, but for some reason I said out loud: "Oh God, please no!" Immediately, one of the zebras trotted over and began eating his Nike----almost directly in front of the "do not feed the animals" sign. I should have told a zoo employee I guess, but instead packed up our shit and we got the hell out of there in a hurry. I stopped at the mall on the way home and I bought my boy a new pair of shoes. My son can't stop talking about it and thinks it's the funniest thing he ever saw. My wife yelled at me for first, putting him on the wall to begin with and then for "probably killing the zebra." Now my son calls me zebra killer.
Anyway, in hindsight, I realized that I called out for God's divine intervention in my time of need without realizing so. He was MIA on my zoo adventure too, so you can add my statistic to your informal study.

steve, 2006.06.16 (Fri) 10:15 [Link] »

I know the "zebra killer," and your not him. Where did you get the story? If you stick with your post, and say this really happened to you, it may make you feel better to know that you are not the only one who had a run in with the nike eating zebra. Is your son happened to be named Alex?

Fan-man, 2006.06.16 (Fri) 22:22 [Link] »

No, my oldest son's name is Casey.
Who are you Steve and more importantly who the fuck are you to propose that I "made up" or "borrowed" someone else's story? "If I stick to my post?" Fuck you. I can provide time stamped photos of my Last Saturday visit to the zoo, as well as a receipt of the same day for a new pair of Adidas tennis shoes purchased at Northgate Mall---- what can you provide to validate your stupid post Steve? I'll hold my breath and wait for a valid reason why you think I'd borrow someone else's story. Dick.

steve, 2006.06.17 (Sat) 10:15 [Link] »

Easy there killer. The exact same thing happened to my brother. Same zoo, two kids of the same age, same aminal, same reaction (buying new shoes on way home), same reaction by wife, etc. He told the story to just about everyone. One of which told him about your post. Figured the odds were against this happening twice. Regardless, real classy reaction to my post. It sounds like the shoe is the least of your problems.

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