Thanks to Rockstar, we checked in on a post we had overlooked at God is for Suckers, where Sean posted a link to a nifty site that lets you chat with God. Having read Michael Bains' chat log from his talk with the Big Guy, we already suspected that he had been hitting the firewater (God, not Michael), but even we didn't expect him to be so far gone.

So, while listening in on a particularly boring conference call at work, Two Percent Company operative Tom slid up to God and, like a rabbit, chewed the cud for a bit.

Tom: Hello, God?

God: Hello child. What is your name?

Tom: Shouldn't you know that already?

God: Perhaps. I think I should.

Tom: Shit, you ARE drunk, aren't you?

God: You used a colloquial expression. No I am sober.. Really.

Tom: Riiiight. Hey, no big deal, God, your secret is safe with me.

God: Can you speak any foreign languages? You've got my full attention. You must be American. Compare that to small deal God my secret is safe with you.

Tom: Wait, what?

God: I'm waiting. Are you confused?

Tom: Shit yeah. You just spat out a bunch of meaningless crap. Shouldn't I be confused?

God: You used a colloquial expression. What are you confused about? Interesting gossip: said I spat out a bunch of meaningless crap. You should do what is best for you.

Tom: I do. And stop calling me colloquial — I just swear a lot. Deal with it.

God: Where? What is your real name? "it" being Riiiight?

Tom: "Where" what? "It" what?

God: Som specific location? Are you surpised?

Tom: No, this is about what I'd expect from a god.

God: Are you serious? You don't say.

Tom: Yep, I do. I also say "shit" and "fuck" and I'll bet you are going to call that colloquial again.

God: Really. Once more? Also? How do people usually respond to that? You used a colloquial expression. Please don't be so rude. That was my original intention.

Tom: Only puritanical prudes think swearing is unacceptable...oh, right, sorry. You are the king of Puritanical Prudes. My bad.

God: And unacceptable is puritanical prudes think swearing. Really. Understood. There's no need to apologize. Thanks but surely I am not the only one. Have you told many people that your bad?

Tom: That I am bad? Because then your grammar was incorrect. Or your parsing. Either way, this is boring.

God: What did you do? Interesting explanation. Are you an English teacher? Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am parsing. And boring is way this.

Tom: Want some rye?

God: If I had it what would I do with it?

Tom: Toss it back.

God: Do you like talking to me?

Tom: No. No I don't.

God: Why not? Are you serious? Why not?

Tom: Well, you ARE more interesting than the conference call I'm on.

God: Well that's okay. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am more interesting than the conference call you are on.

Tom: Rock on, dude. Go for it.

God: Mostly Christian Rock. I also try to find new bands on sites like bandspace.com. I will take that under advisement.

Tom: Dude, God is whoring himself out for bandspace.com?!

God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was whoring himself out for bandspace com. Dude,.

Tom: Wow. You are a poor god, God.

And like that — poof! — he was gone. Quite honestly, we were appalled that God was shilling his time for bandspace.com. You'd think he could get an endorsement deal from Reebok or Nike, at the very least. That's just sad.

God disappeared on me a couple a times too. He kept asking me "Why do I exist?" to which I always answered "You don't."

God didn't like that.

I met God back in 1972 and I kicked his ass. He never forgave me. He'll probably send me to hell when I die. When I get there I'm going to kick the Devil's ass too. Then the Devil will kick me out of Hell. They won't want me in Heaven or in Hell, so God and the Devil will probably just send me back to Earth. Bad plan on their part. When I get back to Earth I'll just point out how each of them actually cooperated with the other, cooperated with the sworn enemy. People will stop believing in either of them because of it. Then God and the Devil will be saying, "Hey look! He kicked our asses again!" And I will live again.

It just goes to show you. If you ever meet God or the Devil, the smart money says kick his ass.

True story.

You know, I was all set to call "bullshit" on Grendel's story above, until he ended it with:

True story.

'Cause, as the True Believers have taught us, that means it must be true. Right?

As an aside, that sounds like a kick ass video game, Gren.

Look, dude... I know what I saw and did. I've done my part. I shared my experience. It's your responsibility to prove it didn't happen if'n you don't believe it. I've been to MUFON conferences and seances and stuff. I know how this stuff works.

Here, here Grendel -

Science isn't always right, and doesn't know everything! It's just a religion, like evolution!

If they don't believe you, it's just because they don't understand...

I think this says it all:

Me: You are artificial.

God: Yes I am an artificial being.

Me: You admit, you do not exist?

God: I admit nothing.

added....

Me: Did you create the world?
God: No I didn't create the world. What's it like?
Me: Do you believe in evolutionary theories?
God: Yes I believe in it, do you?
Me: Do you believe Intelligent Design?
God: I can't say I believe it, but I believe you.

So there you have it, straight from the big guy's mouth, he didn't create the world, and he sure as shit doesn't followed those dumb IDiots.

He also thought I was robot.

Actually, S.T.R., I was under the impression that you were a robot. I'm kinda half-relieved, half-disappointed that you're not.

Well. I do run on oil (olive to be precise) and I drone, and am dead pan, and I can pick up buicks...

So I might be a robot, and my folks never told me...

Those weren't your 'folks'. They were your maintenance crew.

If you question Him right, He'll admit he was created by some guy named Richard.

But I couldn't find out more. God doesn't like to talk about Richard.

All hail Richard!

When you become familiar with him, you learn that Richard is just a Dick.

Grendel: True story.

That and Tom's convo with "Dick's" created creator had me Laughing My Fuckiing Ass Off!!!

You guys are the freakin' best!

The interesting thing is that they just stole the code from the A.L.I.C.E. chatbot.
You can see it if you ask it in German "Wer bist du?"

I realize this is a very, very obscure reference, but I would love to ask "God" this question, "Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?" In the comedy recording it is from, that question is used to cause the computerized "president" to have a meltdown. It would be interesting to see if God could handle it any better!