On the way to lunch today, it occurred to us that, if a Flag Protection Amendment was to be written into the Constitution, then all of the people who mounted cloth flags on their cars should clearly be charged with flag desecration. You know who we're talking about: all those foul-weather patriots who were inspired by the events of 9/11 to adorn their Hondas and Toyotas with American flags, only to have the airflow around their moving vehicles rip those flags to shreds.

But, one might say, the people with flags on their cars are true patriots, supporting the spirit of what the United States stands for by displaying their flags. Well, we would retort, the people who might burn the flag in protest — for example, against the United States' approval of torture — are also supporting the spirit of what the United States stands for. Both forms of free expression happen to result in a piece of red, white and blue fabric being damaged, and, if that damage is stupidly deemed illegal, then either of these illustrative patriots should be punished equally. After all, the Flag Protection Amendment makes it clear that it isn't the message that's important — it's the piece of cloth.

We previously thought that the ultimate irony would be to pass an amendment protecting a piece of cloth while shitting all over the very freedoms that piece of cloth is meant to represent. However, we now see that having to arrest scores of people with torn flags on their cars — some of whom are likely the key Republican demographic, and some of whom are likely big supporters of a Flag Protection Amendment — would be far, far more ironic.

Of course,the flag code also forbids wearing the flag as clothing. So, instead of being patriotic, Wonder Woman is suddenly a criminal.

I once saw one of those sad, tattered, little car flags lying in the gutter, where it no doubt came to rest after having fluttered from the coat-hanger AM aerial of some speeding pickup truck with a gun rack and a sticker of Calvin peeing on a cross. I cried a little tear for the death of a patriotism stabbed in the heart by a shameful lack of respect for this holy symbol of our freedoms. Then I stepped over it and got a fair trade latte in a disposable cup.

As soon as the idiotic Flag Deification Amendment passes, I will be sure to remove all US flags from my premises, as I would hate to be arrested for getting bird poop on one of them, or some other such disgrace. Might be smarter to have an amendment outlawing bird poop, come to think of it.