Finally, we have definitive, scientific proof that ghosts exist! Check out this photograph, and see for yourselves:

See, that meter in the photo detects...uh...ghosts. Yeah, we know it looks like a circuit tester built into something you could find for $1.99 at Toys'Я'Us, but really, really, really it detects ghosts. Really! And look — the reading is off the chart! Buried the freakin' needle! And see that little light? The yellow one? Yellow means ghosts, dude! And those lights at the top? The red ones? Red means ghosts, too! And that's not all. If you watch the video of the NBC10 news report that this image is from, you'll see that as soon as the meter is turned on, the needle shoots to the top instantly! So there must be ghosts there, then! Ha! Debunk that, skeptics!

The sad thing is that we're not making this up. That's really what this NBC10 story is about — proof that a 100 year old library in Pennsylvania is haunted. And that meter is the "proof" in question. Well, that meter, some anecdotes about spinning pencil holders, some supposed photos of the ever-popular "orbs," and a crappy video of what may or may not be a book coming off a shelf. And just in case that isn't hard enough evidence for you, check out the details from this article in the Phoenixville News:

[Paranormal investigator Carol] Starr asked anyone present to make themselves known. Noises came from above - a knock, tapping, something Starr said sounded like foot steps and a chair being dragged. In the lobby, the EMF reading fluctuated back and forth between the 2.0 and 4.5.

Holy hell! Weird noises at night in an otherwise quiet 100 year old building? Who'd've thunk it? And look at those EMF readings jumping to 4.5...er...gigawatts? Megahertz? Troy ounces? Oh, sorry, the article doesn't mention the scale being used. Or how readings were taken. Or what electronic equipment was present. Or why any of this has anything to do with ghosts. Maybe the manual for the little electrical meter they're using mentions all of this, as well as what readings can only happen in the presence of ghosts. (Of course, that same manual probably bears the words "Ages 6 and Up" and "Caution: Small Parts — Choking Hazard.") Is there a licensed electrician/ghosthunter out there who can let us know?

Moving on, this next part is pretty amazing:

[Paranormal investigator] Mark Sarro also reported seeing moving shadows in a corner of the Children's Library.

Booyah! Reports of moving shadows at night. While looking for ghosts. Really, what else could this be other than ghosts? Um. Well, a trick of the mind, maybe. Or a car going by outside. Or one of the other investigators moving around or shining a light somewhere. Or a dust bunny, or maybe a mouse. But it was probably almost definitely perhaps a ghost. Or maybe a ghost mouse...? Anyway, you get the idea.

Here's the clincher, though:

There were other reports of unusual activity throughout the night, such as cameras that would go out of focus for no apparent reason and batteries that were prematurely drained of their life.

So that's what's going on with our cell phone batteries — they're haunted! Damn! And here we thought that they just couldn't hold a charge for half a day anymore because they sucked (and the East Coast cells send too many damn "ping" signals). Next time our phones die after we charge them all night, instead of cursing at them, we'll take an EMF reading and see if we can get Elvis on speed-dial.

Still not convinced? How about these photos from the library. Ghosts cause lens flare, right? To be fair to lens flare, though, we've seen pictures of "orbs" before, and, unimpressive and easily explained though they may be, we can't even manage to spot the unimpressive and easily explained orbs here. Seriously — we don't even know what they're calling orbs. What gives?

And what does the NBC10 article say?

Librarians at the [Phoenixville, PA library] facility say the old man has been getting cranky lately. And real-life ghost hunters say they have the proof.

Ah, yes, of course — proof. The Chester County Paranormal Research Society sure shut our mouths. Snap! Next stop for these creduloids: drinking magical sewage and industrial waste from Indian seawater (another story that we're sad to say we aren't making up). Read 'em and weep, fans of reason.

Ghost physics has never made any sense. Why do ghosts go through some solid objects and not others? Why do they have to hang around the one place all the time - what stops them going anywhere else? As Ambrose Bierce pointed out, you never see any nude ghosts, so how can fabrics survive death as well? Isn't it odd that ectoplasm disappeared around the same time as the availability of comprehensive chemical tests? And how the **** can an immaterial spiritual emination affect a multimeter?

Actually, I suspect that in the same way that there were no 'alien abductions' before 1950s SF movies, no 'paranormal investigators' carried electronic equipment before "Ghostbusters".

This device quite clearly measures paranormal activity using the standard altie Gullibility Scale, which, as you probably know, uses the International Standard Unit of the milliChopra (though this particular device appears to have been calibrated to measure multimegazillionChopras).

I believe that these so called "ghosthunters" are nothing but amateurs playing at what is a real science.

If these charlatans are postulating the use of this device for some supernatural bollocks then they are clearly in need of some severe slapping to drum some rational empirical thought processes into their brain.

From my own extensive scientific examinations conducted with the British University of Ley Lines (or B.U.L.L.) I have discovered that EMF detectors only work with two things. Electromagnetic frequencies and ancient Ley Lines.

It is obvious that this penny-ante organisation simply stumbled on the ancient ley-line which runs from Stonehenge in England in a perfect straight line via New York, Phoenixville and onto Ayres Rock thus chaneling the...er...Chi of all the native Americans who sold Manhattan to the Dutch for $3 and a 10% discount at the Brooklyn Steakhouse and now are using the library to read up on contract law to get Wall St back.

That is far more plausible that this silly idea of "orbs" to explain some (so-far) unexplainable things.

when was that EMF detector last callibrated? i demand to see my lawyer! i'll submit to a field sobriety test, but not one of those EMF detectors! not after what happened the last time...

Michael: Exactly. Creduloids like these aren't imaginative enough to come up with this stuff on their own, but once they see it somewhere else, they're totally "into" it, as if it was obvious all along. Carl Sagan noted that, while the details change from era to era, every culture in every time period has some form of magical bullshit they claim as their own (obviously, we're paraphrasing Carl here). In medieval times, there were well-known tales of dragons, unicorns and mermaids, so naturally their "amazing stories" involved those. Once alien life popped up on the public's radar, the "amazing stories" suddenly included thoughts of aliens (all remarkably similar to the fictitious and cinematic portrayals of aliens, naturally). We found a website once with instructions on constructing prop replicas of all the Ghostbusters equipment; looks like the Chester County Paranormal Research Society could have benefited from that site — if they'd found it, at least their gear wouldn't look so silly.

EoR: We always have trouble doing the conversions. Remind us — how many nanoSchwartz's are there in a milliChopra again?

Sean: Yep, these "ghosthunters" need to be less closed-minded. They're so intent on finding ghosts that they're completely closed off to the real supernatural explanations. They need to open their minds. The answer isn't always "ghosts" — there are other ways of knowing. Er...okay, that seems like enough of the creduloid clichés.

geronimo: We told you, they were designed to be inserted there. Quit whining!