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« When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Change Your Business Model Overnight The Rants

The Two Percent
2016.11.09 (Wed) 16:21

We lied.

Only once, but we did lie. It was one of those little white lies meant to spare other people's feelings. The kind of lie you hope people won't ever question, because it'll just make things worse and distract from the real point if they know the truth.

The question only came up a few times, but it was one we knew we'd have to deal with, so we put the answer into our FAQ, right at the top. Enough people were curious about the name of our site that we felt we owed them some answer — any answer, really. So we answered.

Well, it started as an admittedly silly joke — one of our members seemed to have this strange 2% phenomenon popping up at every turn. In one day, he got a meager 2% raise at work and a lowly 2% bonus, all because his team missed an EBIT target by 2%, and when he went to the grocery store to get whole milk, all he could find was 2%. Coincidence? Absolutely. Coincidence notwithstanding, this soon turned into the saying "I'm having a 2% day", which meant things could be better. Yes, it was very much a localized saying, limited to about 4-6 people, so we understand if you've never come across it yourself.

The paragraph above is pure, unmitigated bullshit. It's feel-good pap for the masses. The one time we indulged in what politicians and the media do for a living.

The second part of that answer gets a little closer to the truth:

Later, when we first came up with the idea for this site, and started writing down a lot of the thoughts and musings which we had been talking about for quite some time over late night beverages, a question came up: how many people would likely agree with everything we had to say? The answer — blurted out by more than one person immediately — was "Probably about 2%." In retrospect, we certainly hope that it is a higher percentage than that, but we already had the domain name, and a nifty logo, so we figured what the hell.

Yeah, sure; except that this flippant answer wasn't a response to our decision to put the site together; it was the impetus. It was the root cause, not an after-the-fact analysis.

Long before we started the site, we were already growing incredibly irritated by the overwhelming abundance of assholes in the world. We read and watched the news, we read and watched people's reactions, and we poked and prodded to see if we could figure out exactly why our reactions seemed to be at odds with most of those we witnessed. Here and there, we found individuals who seemed to share our reactions — but they were few and far between.

We didn't do any actual math. It was all gut instinct: that biochemical math we all have built in to our brains, like when we do the lightning fast calculus approximations required to catch a ball. We looked around, and it dawned on us that there was a clear and incontrovertible — if only estimated — breakdown of the human species. (If you like the double-meaning there, we're with you.)

So here's the truth.

85% of you are absolutely fucking worthless. We don't think that means you should be "done away with"; we don't think that means you aren't deserving of at least a modicum of pity or empathy. But you're fucking worthless. You are worthless because you are able to, and will, contribute absolutely nothing to our species, our world, or anything larger than yourselves, and even taking care of yourselves is beyond most of you. You are the people who consistently vote against your own self-interests. Many of you are the "working class" folks who believe that a self-proclaimed billionaire who stiffs his contractors has your best interests at heart. You believed it hard enough, and long enough, to create what is likely to be the most disastrous result in the history of American democracy. We're relatively certain that this is not hyperbole, but time will tell.

There's another segment of the population that isn't worthless. You folks can make worthwhile contributions, and in some cases, you even do. When we did our cocktail napkin math without a napkin, we pegged this segment at about 13%.

13% of you aren't a worthless load. You're trying, and sometimes even trying the right thing. You've got some ability to contribute, and when you're pointed in the right direction, you can get the job done more often than not.

For most of you in the 13%, your only failure is not recognizing the presence — and significance — of the 85%. You don't realize that their very existence makes life much harder for you; that they can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with, and nothing will sway them from their ludicrous, myopic, self-absorbed journeys through this world as they slog from a warm, lifegiving womb to a cold, desolate grave.

If you realized it, maybe you'd do something about it.

Of course, some of you in the 13% are actively working against the human species. You're not stupid — in many instances, you're far from stupid. But you carry with you the obstinately selfish drives of the 85% — indeed, most of the 98% — and have no interest in creating or improving things for the benefit of others...unless it benefits you both directly and handsomely, and even then you can be petty little shits about it.

The 85% are idiots. The 13% are, in general, unfortunate victims, ineffectual gimps, or raving assholes. Those of you who are mathematically inclined have already figured out just what percentage of the population remains.

Two Percent of us get it. That's what we realized, back then — that was our quick and admittedly rough approximation. Two Percent out of almost seven billion humans — over a hundred million — isn't too bad, though it isn't nearly enough. Hell, we were just a small handful ourselves, and only two of us did the majority of the work here and really stuck with it for all those years.

Two Percent of us know that it doesn't matter if a particular evil or injustice affects us personally — evil and injustice must be called out and (ideally) defeated no matter who they affect. Two Percent of us know that there are no absolutes outside of empirical, scientific study — everything needs to be examined in context. Two Percent of us are aware of how galling it is to have to put up with the 85%, but also know that simply getting rid of them is not a fair, just, or tenable solution.

We were — are, still — in that Two Percent. We fought the good fight — not just here on this site, but elsewhere, in our private and professional lives, whenever feasible.

Despite winning the popular vote, Hillary Clinton — a flawed but hyper-competent and sincerely devoted proponent of human beings and our civil rights, whose tendency towards caution and distrust was the result of years of unwarranted persecution on the part of frothing cocksuckers with nothing better to contribute — was defeated by a revolting, disturbing pile of flesh who embodies everything the Two Percent Company has despised about the last two (or more) decades.

This did not come as a huge surprise. If you were completely caught off guard by this, you weren't paying attention. It did, however, come as a profound disappointment. A sense of aggravation that, no matter how many times we go through this cycle, the 85% will keep dragging us through it again...and again...and again. The assholes in the 13% will keep stirring them up and preventing humanity from making the progress we need to make.

If we'd focused — if we'd paid attention and resources to the things that mattered — we'd have pushed so much farther than we have. We'd have fucking cured cancer by now. We personally know professionals on the forefront of that fight; they're so goddamn close it hurts...but when it comes time to vote, the focus and money don't tend to go there, where it's insanely obvious it's needed.

So thanks a heap, you fucking 98% asshats. Because it's too late for some of us. And I (singular) mean us (personally). So fuck you.

It's been a massively shitty last two weeks.

The worst part, though, is that I can't stop giving a shit. I can't stop trying; I can't stop hoping, and shouting, and fighting when it's possible. Because that's the key to being in the Two Percent: you care about the point, the principle, even if the people who will benefit from it are utterly fucking pointless.

Does this sound elitist? Go fuck yourself. If you think that, it's highly unlikely that I care what you think at all. Everything sounds "elitist" to people who don't give a shit about something outside of their own narrow fucking world view. But we never thought of the Two Percent as a particular brand or type or demographic — it doesn't matter if you're an earthy farmer in the Rust Belt, a dirt-poor peasant in Southeast Asia, an aloof academic in your Ivy League ivory tower, a suit and a combover on Wall Street...or a fucking brilliant guy doing everything for his wife and two daughters who still found the time to give a shit about everything else. Any gender, any color, any walk of life — you could be a Two Percenter from anywhere, and you'd still be a Two Percenter. It's just that, mathematically speaking, the odds are much, much higher that you're not.

No, I'm not starting the Rants up again, which is why comments remain closed. I just wanted to clear the air about that one little lie. And tell at least 85% of you to go fuck yourselves.

And to say goodbye. But not to you.

The Two Percent Brothers: Tom and Jeff

He was so, so much better than 98% of you, and at least as good as the rest.

— • —
[  Filed under: % Bullshit  % Government & Politics  % Greatest Hits  % Two Percent Company  ]

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