As we suspect many people who have their own websites do, we check into our stats from time to time. That includes the search terms that have led people to our site. Some searches are pretty reasonable. For example, searches for Allison DuBois are consistently the most prevalent in any given month. Natalee Holloway searches are usually a distant second place, while the names of various forms of quackery followed by the word "bullshit" always end up on the list. We're also consistently surprised by the fact that octopus camouflage is still showing up, and that so many people are wondering if you are really using ten percent of your brain. We also seem to have become some form of clearinghouse for people trying to find the name of the actor who is currently voicing the Geico gecko (it's Dave Kelly, by the way). Sadly, despite our push for popularity, there were only two searches for ass gnomes, our favorite mythical creatures. On the bright side, there were four searches for small gnomes, and twenty for small asses (though the latter may not have been looking for diminutive, colon-dwelling elves).

Then there are the sex searches — while most people are looking for information on Natalee Holloway, last month, seventeen people were looking for Natalee Holloway naked (which we don't provide, by the way). In addition, nine people were looking for the Easter Playboy (whoever that is), three were trying to find a sperm valve (whatever that is), and a few were searching for a slurpy pussy, fat transvestites, dicks in public, and Leave it to Beaver sex. We also saw references to the phrase "sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it," but then we remembered that this lovely phrase was uttered by Sexist Asshat Bill Napoli (who was successfully Googlebombed, it seems), and as such was a legitimate non-sexual search. Probably. Maybe. Well, we're hoping.

We also get some interesting questions in our search logs. For example, one person wondered: "is sodomizing a woman gay?" Well, random person, off the cuff, we'd say that sodomizing a woman doesn't mean that you are gay, but then again, it doesn't mean that you aren't. But as long as you have the woman's consent, feel free to sodomize away and still call yourself heterosexual, if that's what you're into. That said, what's really weird is that we're at the top of that Google search list, and we never even wrote about anything like that! Oddly, Google picks up a Rant about Justice Scalia. How fitting. Another searcher pondered: "what percent of married women perform fellatio?" Honestly, we're not sure that we've ever seen statistics on this. If you're a guy, just ask around the gym locker room, and you'll probably get the answer you're looking for. Let us know how that goes for you. Once again, though, we are at the top of that Google list, this time for a post in which we list out some laws that would be equally as valid as the law against unmarried cohabitation.

In general, we laugh about these examples. They constitute a rather small number of searches that lead people to our site. But, every so often, we come across a search that truly shocks us. Last month, there were apparently 254 Google image searches for the term "llama sex" that brought people here. What the hell? Yes, we know that we mentioned llama porn on two occassions, but we never even posted the image on our site! We just linked to another site with that image! Why are people ending up here?! And more importantly, why the heck are 254 people searching for llama sex in the month of April? Or in any month, for that matter? Hey, to each their own — we're happy to let people fantasize about llama porn if that's what floats their boat, we just never thought it was that prevalent.

Alpaca sex, sure, but llamas? That's just weird.